The wait for an answer is over, and unfortunately, I was not offered the job elsewhere. Another door closed. All along, I consistently prayed for God to make things clear, and he did, just not in the way I was prepared for. I am thankful for his loving kindness and tender mercy, yet feel extremely dejected and a little in shock.
Those who know about the news have tried to help soften the blow by highlighting that I am worthy, I am good, it just wasn’t the right opportunity, keep on, etc. They mean well, of course, but it all leaves me empty and without comfort.
Again, I know that God’s will for me and for my family is best, and of course I accept that. I am also a bit relieved in an odd way because to have been offered this job and accepted it would have meant tremendous disruption for us all, and not everyone was on board with that prospect.
Still, now I have to face up to the prospect of continuing to work in a highly toxic and dysfunctional environment where it is an enormous struggle to even by civil at times to others. And hope for my career is extinguished, and the helplessness and sense of being trapped are overwhelming right now. Somehow, by God’s grace, I need to keep on, but frankly, I don’t want to.
Before you think it, yes, of course I am grateful to have a job, especially when so many others struggle to make ends meet. I hope and pray that my focus will shift to acceptance and gratitude and what is positive again, but it is just not the thing right now.