Cumulative impact

The many ongoing uncertainties we face are having a cumulative impact. You know the saying, “once bitten, twice shy”? I think there’s a similar principle at work with the pandemic, economic conditions, injustices, poor government leadership, and more. Uncertainties tend to reshape our regular, “healthy” view of life in ways that we may not even acknowledge or fully understand.

I’ll admit that I’m a lot more anxious most days than usual, although some primary sources of concern long predate the pandemic. I’ll also admit that there is an element of spiritual growth and maturity that I need to experience in all of this. In other words, I need to exercise faith. But I don’t agree with those who make this all about faith or lack thereof. These are generally the same people who think all forms of depression are due to lack of faith, for example, which is utter nonsense.

Part of my own current struggle is dealing with the fallout from severe trauma and other relational issues within my own family. Tensions heighten due to what others in our household are going through. That is not to assign any blame, rather, just to acknowledge that it happens. We are slowly making some progress, in fits and starts, in learning how to be with one another and to walk through difficulties together rather than separately or silently.

I miss seeing and being with my oldest son and daughter-in-law. I want to be able to just drive off to see extended family, too. The uncertainty of what to expect whenever we go somewhere, even somewhere simple like to get groceries, wears on me a lot. It is easy to lapse into the relative comfort/security of just sitting inside all day, every day, watching the world go by from the limited perspective of inside the house. Uncertainty tends to sap any initiative or motivation to do something, anything.

I realize that things could be much worse, and that we have a lot for which to be thankful. But cumulative uncertainty tends to make mountains out of molehills and causes us to snap or break more easily, too. The fact that I haven’t officially heard yet that my request to continue working remotely is approved is an example. I am 99.9% sure it’ll work out but the fact that I still don’t know for sure bugs the heck out of me. I vacillate between dopey dimwittedness or scratchy irritation and annoyance with just about everything.

I don’t like it. I’m not comfortable with it. I long for something better. I want to see light at the end of this long tunnel.

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